When you have children you shed your old skin like a snake and Motherhood is woven into the new one. While your role is to care for, teach and nurture your children, you realise you have become a student again too.

Motherhood’s lessons can be brutal – she takes no prisoners. It’s not for sissies, that’s for sure. But after a while, when Motherhood has held your hand through all the joys, stresses and frustrations she has brought you, you begin to realise just how much you’ve learned and how thankful you are that Motherhood was the teacher.

Here are ten things I have learned since becoming a mum:

1 Who I Really Am

When I look back to my pre-children days, I can now see that I had no idea who I was and what I wanted from life. I went with the flow, my strengths and weaknesses were never truly tested in the way they are when Motherhood has her finger on the pulse.

Motherhood appeared on the scene like a full length mirror. She said, ‘Have a good look. This is who you really are, like it or not’. In all honesty, I didn’t much like a lot of what I saw. But thanks to Motherhood’s patience and determination I was able to change and start transforming into the person my kids deserve me to be.

I’m not perfect, I never will be. Who is? Motherhood has highlighted my imperfections and allowed be to accept and forgive them and then most importantly – work with them.

2. To Appreciate the Small Things

I always thought the defining moments in life were the big ones. Graduating, landing a good job, buying a house, going on a dream holiday and so on. I was never really present before I had kids, my mind always racing ahead to covet the next big prize.

Motherhood has taught me that the most joy can be found in the everyday moments. Moments you don’t plan and work towards. Moments such as my kids laughing and playing in the paddling pool. Or watching my husband piggy back them around the garden before they all collapse in laughter. A sleeping baby snuggled on my chest.  The sound of my toddler saying, ‘Wuv woo Mummy!’ Singing and dancing around the kitchen to questionable 90s music. That sort of thing.

Life is a tapestry woven together by moments like these. The thread interlacing each moment is thin and delicate. If you’re not careful, if your mind is somewhere else, you can blink and miss these beautiful moments altogether.

3. To Appreciate ‘Me-Time’

Before children, I didn’t really have any concept of what ‘me-time’ was. Yes there was work of course but there were also weekend lie-ins, holidays, long baths, pamper days and lazy times spent doing what I wanted to do. Motherhood claimed all that with a cheeky grin and a knowing wink. For some time it is gone.

What she has given back instead, is a deep appreciation and gratitude for any limited amount of me-time I am offered. This can be something as ridiculous as a trip to Tesco alone. If I ever have a spare hour to go to Costa and read my book, I savour every second in the same way I’d savour each mouthful of a decadent chocolate cake.

Not a moment of me-time is wasted nowadays; each one being deeply appreciated.

4. Love Never Dies

My second daughter died at one day old. I worried for a long time that as time ticked on I would lose my limited memories of her, that my feelings would fade because our time together was so short. I can honestly say this hasn’t happened. If I close my eyes now, more than four years after her birth and passing, I can still see her little face, smell her hair and feel her tiny body in my arms. The love that passed between us is still as strong and fierce today as it was during the hours she lived.

Motherhood teaches you that love is eternal. It never fades. It leaves an imprint and shapes your soul. However painful that love may have been it stays forever, reaching out to you in your darkest hours like a candle which can never be blown out.

5. Patience

When you become a mum, you need to grow some patience and fast. This may be fine if you were a patient person to begin with but if, like me, you are naturally impatient it can be quite a task.

I’m not going to lie, I still struggle with patience but it has become much easier as the years chug on.

6. A New Relationship With Failure

I used to do anything to avoid failure. This often involved never trying in the first place. However, within motherhood failure is a daily given. I make daily mistakes and yes, I do fail as I learn. But my love for my kids makes the failures worthwhile.

Motherhood has taught me that when you truly love something (or in this case someone) you can accept the failures as you progress on your journey. Failure and success are intertwined; they are part of the same big picture. Failure is nothing to be scared of. It’s part of life.

7. Forgiveness

By forgiveness, I mean the ability to forgive myself for my flaws and mistakes. Motherhood digs them up and exposes them in the most ruthless manner.  You must learn the art of self-forgiveness if you want to survive.

We all make parenting mistakes, that’s a daily given. Discovering the art of learning from them, forgiving yourself and moving on is crucial.

8. To Give Up The Quest For Balance

Forget balance. It’s just not possible. Motherhood has taught me that. Furthermore, in trying to achieve it you just make yourself more miserable.

We all have too many balls in the air at any given point. Motherhood often whispers in my ear, ‘Just drop one. It’s ok. You can pick it up tomorrow.’

You know what? She’s right. I can’t maintain all the balls I’m juggling all the time. Trying to do so is a waste of time and energy. Instead, I’ll just do my best in the knowledge that my best is all I can do.

9. Silence is Golden

Motherhood is loud. If it’s not irritating singing toys with flashing lights or children crying, shouting and screaming, it’s the Peppa Pig theme tune rampaging unchecked through your head.

Someone’s always talking to you, vomiting on you or fighting with their sibling. Peace, quiet and calm quickly become extinct and it’s not until that happens you realise how much you miss them.

Motherhood makes you appreciate the old adage, ‘silence is golden’. And when the toys have temporarily stopped beeping and the only sound escaping from the kids is the gentle sound of their sleepy chests rising and falling, you bask in the silence as if it were golden rays of sunshine. Bliss.

Soak it up and reel it in; when you’re a mother silence is the new black.

10. Strength

There’s no initiation to motherhood and certainly no easing you in gently. From day one your strength is tested to the limit. How much sleep deprivation can you handle? Can you cope with the hormones and changes to your body while looking after a new and fully dependant being?

And as they grow older it doesn’t let up. Toddler tantrums, potty training nightmares, eating issues, bedtime refusals – motherhood is one big strength and endurance test.

My emotional strength was called upon during my second pregnancy, when I knew from 20 weeks onwards that my baby wasn’t likely to make it. The deep, powerful love that motherhood triggers, helped me find the strength to carry her and carry on after she died.

Until I became a mother I didn’t know I had it in me. I’m sure all mums feel the same. We should be proud of ourselves for rocking the strength thing.

Undoubtedly, we all learn hundreds of new things every day from motherhood. The lessons can be fun, harsh and downright crazy. There really is no teacher as persistent and testing as Motherhood.

My child won’t eat! I’m sure this is something all parents experience from time for time. For some, the periods of fussy eating are short lived. For others, like me, having a child who is a fussy eater seems to be part of the course.

I’ve read so much advice on encouraging fussy eaters to eat. But what if it’s more than just fussy eating? And how does the parent cope with the feelings of frustration, worry and guilt brought on when your child just won’t eat?

When I was pregnant with my first daughter Susie, I didn’t really think much about feeding beyond the (sometimes) three-hourly milk feeds I soon became familiar with. I did have visions of myself wearing a pretty pinny, cooking up nutritious meals which my curly haired child would wolf down with delight.  That was before I knew anything about children (and mine in particular).

From the moment Susie was born, she never had a big appetite. I remember reading  the guideline amount on the side of the formula carton. She never even came close to the recommended amount. Some days she would only take a few sips from each bottle. I was beside myself with worry. I whisked her to the GP who, after examining her and stating that she was perfectly happy and healthy, said to me, ‘Have you considered that maybe she just isn’t hungry?’

How can a baby not be hungry??

At the time the GP’s statement pissed me off. Other parents I knew were reporting babies who drained their bottles and screamed for more afterwards. I think Susie only ever drank a full bottle once or twice. But 6 years on, now I really know her, I see that the GP was right. Some days, she just isn’t that hungry.

Soon we progressed to solid foods and I quickly binned my idea of the pinny, nutritious meals and delighted toddler. Susie quickly asserted which foods she would not tolerate at all. Some days she seemed hungry and would eat more. However she never ate something she didn’t like, no matter how hungry she was. And a good meal for her was at least half the portion eaten by a ‘normal’ child. Some days she would hardly eat anything at all.

I read and digested all the advice. Try new foods fifteen times I was told on a regular basis. Blah blah blah. It didn’t work. Susie was determined in her fussiness. Early on, I could count the things she would eat on two hands. Over the years that list has diminished to one hand.

It became a battle of wills. I began to feel sick to my stomach as each mealtime approached. I started to absolutely hate feeding her – the anxiety I felt about her health and the feelings of failure as a mother were too much. There is a sizeable dent in our kitchen bin from the day it bore the brunt of my frustrations and I kicked it.

As a mother, feeding your child is one of your most important jobs. I was failing at that and I felt like an awful parent. There was no way Susie was getting everything she needed from her diet. I voiced this concern to a health visitor, who said her weight was fine but recommended supplements (probably to calm me down more than anything).

Now at age 7, not much has changed.

Except me.

Mealtimes are a much happier these days. This isn’t because Susie has suddenly started to love food, but because I’ve stopped beating myself up about my ‘failures’ in this department. I’ve calmed down and learned to accept her for who she is.

There is much advice available for dealing with fussy eaters. But I found that there is a lack of advice on how to deal with the feelings of anxiety and failure the parent feels when their child won’t eat.

I wish someone had told me the following when I first started making colourful purees and proudly freezing them in ice cube trays:

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

I tried my hardest to introduce Susie to a variety of foods. I spent hours cooking, blending and freezing different meals. Most of them ended up thrown on the floor in disgust or at the bottom of our dented bin.

Susie’s fussiness and apathy towards food is part of her personality; it has been there since birth. I can see that now.

I have a friend who did everything by the book – baby led weaning, meal planning, getting her kids involved with cooking etc. She cooks the most wonderful and varied meals for her family daily. One of her children will eat anything; the other is incredibly fussy and hardly eats any of her delicious dishes. The lesson here is that if your child refuses to eat a variety of foods, it is part of who they are.

You need to stop blaming yourself and find ways to work with it.

IT MAY BE BEYOND YOUR CONTROL

It took me a long time to accept that I had little control over Susie’s eating habits.

Just because I spent ages cooking a meal and asking (begging) her to eat it didn’t mean that she would. In fact the more attention I gave it, the less she felt compelled to eat.

More often than I care to admit, my feeling of helplessness and worry exhibited themselves in anger. I would shout. I would cry. But getting angry and yelling, ‘you will sit there until you finish it!’ never once helped. It made mealtimes even more fraught.

Eventually I learned to accept Susie for the child she was and not the child I wanted her to be. I made myself chill out and gave her what she wanted (within reason). If all she would eat was a bowl of plain pasta and a few peas then that was better than nothing.  Since I stopped feeding Susie’s fussiness with negative attention, mealtimes have become much more relaxed.

It isn’t how I dreamt family meals would be. But this is how they are. Since I accepted this it has made us all a lot happier.

YOU MAY HAVE TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

It took me a while to realise that Susie is not a three meals a day person. She prefers to eat little and often. Her tummy obviously doesn’t tolerate a lot of food in one sitting, so now she has about five or six micro meals every day. Each meal may be a sparrow’s amount but it all adds up.

This way of eating is so alien to me that it took me a long while to understand how Susie’s body worked.

READ ADVICE, BUT DON’T WORRY IF  IT DOESN’T WORK

I generally steer clear of articles telling you what you should and shouldn’t do as a parent. When dealing with fussy eaters there seems to be an abundance of said advice. If you try the various suggestions and they don’t work, it just adds to the feelings of failure.

Most of the recommendations I tried never worked. A few worked at certain times, but not always. When I began to realise that my role was to understand her relationship with food and encourage her, instead of trying to fit it around pre-conceived notions of what and how she should be eating, life became easier for us both.

Now at age 7, Susie is skinnier than the average child her age (though not underweight). She’s rarely ill and I have never understood how that is. There are lots of foods she still refuses to eat but she has widened her horizons since starting school.

I’d be lying if I said that I was happy about her diet, but I have given up trying to force her to eat. I have accepted that while we all tuck into our Christmas dinners, she will nibble on a pizza. I’ve made allowances for the fact that when we go out to eat; she will dine on a piece of unbuttered bread.

I do have hope for the future and I’ve finally let go of the guilt I felt for years. She is healthy and happy and I know I’ve done my best, even if my best wasn’t always right.